Rambling: BDD: OSFED: more rambling

I've had this tab opened since last night trying to put thoughts together.  I still can't think of a good way so this will probably be a lot of incoherent rambling.  First, no real training updates because I've been pretty sick, cold and sinuses because of bi-polar weather kept me out all for one shitty day last week.  Anyway, over the past week I've done a lot of reading about eating disorders.  Not really sure why, well I know the initial reason, not sure why I've continued aside from the fact I find it fascinating.  There's a ton of  types of eating disorders because really when you hear eating disorders you instantly think bulimia and anorexia.  OSFED/EDNOS are pretty broad terms used to describe several others.  I've had trouble keeping my weight where I need it to be for my next meet(which I feel horribly prepared for).  I've been using junk which while it taste good, isn't the best stuff for me, so came up with a game plan for getting an extra 1200 calories a day from chicken/blackbeans/corn, put it together today.  Tasted pretty good, now the plan is anytime I go through the kitchen to eat about 1/8th of it throughout the day and hopefully won't make me feel as crappy as candy.  I mean I'll still throw in a peanut butter Snickers, but still, not as many.  I remember when I first started lifting I was on the north side of 400 pounds, I think my waist was right around 70".  The whole reason I wanted to lift to lose weight was to wrestle.  So I started going to the gym, started doing cardio, ended up dropping 100 pounds in the first year.  Felt good, but I still had the mentality "I gotta lose weight"  By the time I started training to wrestle I was at around 240 pounds and when I had my first match I was at 224, which was probably the first time I was at 224 since middle school.  It was pretty awesome, but after looking at those pics I was like "Damn, I look like I'm on chemo and meth."  I've always had a big head/shoulders, so that combo on a body that was too small for it just didn't look right, so I went up to around 250.  That was fine, had my gall bladder out and went to around 280, I think that's about the weight I prefer for "look" and I might go back there eventually, but not soon.  Over the years I've grown to hate the phrase "I need to lose weight." or "You look like you've lost weight."  People who say the first in the gym my first thought is "Well, go walk on a treadmill an hour a day, you'll accomplish your goal, it won't be good but if that's your goal..."  The second one bugs the ever living fuck out of me when someone says it to me.  Anytime someone says "Wow, you've lost weight?"  My mind goes straight to "Oh fuck, am I getting small?"  I guess it goes to show where my mindset was to where it has come.  I'll rationalize the last time I saw them like "Well, it's been 2 months ago, I'll check some logs."  I'll then check my logs and be like "What the hell?  I was 337 two months ago, now I'm 331, has that 6 pounds made that much of a difference?"  I believe that's probably an mild case of body dysmorphia disorder since after rationalizing it in my head for a while I realize they're just stupid, but I've probably ate just in case.  At any rate, this is long as hell already so if you've stuck around for my rambling, I guess it's just that the mind can be real asshole sometimes, but maybe that's what makes some of us more awesome.